Over the years, I've been realizing that there are several patterns in Mom behaviour, which can be easily grouped in eight different stereotypes. Some are more uptight, some more easy-going, and others are explosive mixtures such as "The Lame and Hypochondriac Mom" or "The Hippie and Moony Mom". But the most important thing is that they are all Moms, which means they are superior human beings who can give life and unconditional love. Each one in her own peculiar way.
Cool Mom - This is the type of Mom we all become one day: if not before, when we have our third child. It's a kind of rebel Mom, who reads the books only to make sure that she won't be doing anything they tell her to do. She's never seen a sterilizer, and if the pacifier falls on the floor, she simply rubs it against her shirt and moves on. Her motto is: our mothers didn't have sterilizers and we all survived. She doesn't like breastfeeding; she leaves her kids with anyone whom volunteers to babysit, and she doesn't care if someone touches her baby before washing the hands. It's the type of Mom who smiles while her children eat sand at the beach or that never takes the kid to the hospital unless there's lots of blood.
When her kids grow up, this Mom lets them do all kind of dangerous things such as climbing trees, playing alone outside, riding the subway or choosing their own activities. Some people see Cool Mom as totally irresponsible; others see her as a role model.
Fashion Mom - Fashion Mom dreams about being Victoria Beckham or Angelina Jolie, whose public appearances are Vogue cover worthy and whose outfit choices become instant trends (for both Moms and children). It's the kind of Mom who doesn't leave a single detail to chance: from the bottle to the stroller, everything must be branded or design by a trendy designer whose name we can't pronounce; the birth announcement cards make Stefan Sagmeister blush; the photos she shares (on Instagram, obviously!) are professionally edited; and the nursery must be decorated by an interior designer, when not by herself since she usually works in the fashion/design/architecture industry.
Any mother who believes she looks nice in a particular day will immediately feel underdressed when compared to a Fashion Mom. So you should avoid being around one when your self-esteem is low.
Hypochondriac Mom - This Mom is every paediatrician's nightmare. She already was her obstetrician's nightmare: he changed his phone number three times in nine months. She's the kind of Mom who reads about some disease and immediately starts noticing all symptoms in her kid. (The worst part is that she is always looking for new medical information.) At the first sneeze she winds her baby in a wool blanket, she always dresses him in three layers of clothes, and she has temperature control in every room to assure that the house is perfectly acclimatized. Baby's visitors must take their shoes off before they enter the house, and if they have a stuffy nose, they'd better not show up at all. Her best allies are sterilizers, air purifiers and hand sanitizers. Her worst enemy: the nursery school. She lives in constant anxiety, and when her kids grow up and leave the house, she will call them every day to make sure they are warm enough and took their vitamins.
Hippie Mom- The Zen Mom who stands up for natural birth (preferably in water) and breastfeeding until elementary school. Her babies use cloth diapers and second hand or organic clothes, and they usually sleep in their parent's bed until they're old enough to beg to have their own beds. She avoids vaccination, television and 21st century gadgets in general. She usually is a vegetarian and the first time her children will try a Happy Meal it's when they're old enough to go to the restaurant by themselves. Or if they're lucky to have a rebel teacher who's tired of watching them stare at other kids lunch while holding a Tofu salad, and lets them try normal food behind Hippie Mom's back.
She carries her babies in wraps until they're three years old, takes them to baby yoga classes and always chooses outdoor activities that respect the Great Mother Nature. Her dream is living in a farm, as far away from western civilization as possible, where her kids can run absolutely free (and naked).
Lame Mom - the term may sound a bit critic and it actually is because this is the most annoying type of Mom. It's the Mom who thinks she knows it all (although she gave birth less than a week ago) and doesn't understand why can there be other activity in life besides being a Mom. She's always giving parenting advices, even if you didn't ask for it, and she likes to show how her parenting methods and decisions are the best ones - how couldn't they be since she read EVERYTHING about it?
Since she became a Mom her world changed: now only her children matter and that's the only subject of every conversation. Her workplace is just a place she goes to get an audience for her monologues on parenting; her husband is just a guy who carries her bags, pays her bills and stays by her side in the multiple child-related events she goes to; and her friends have to have kids because women with no kids are miserable and don't like conversations about labour, breastfeeding and pre-schools. By the way, pre-schools are a primary concern for a "Lame Mom" because she believes early-childhood education is as valuable as college education, and God forbids if Jane's kids go to a better pre-school than her kids.
She belongs to every Mom group, knows about every Mom blog and experienced every family activity available, as long as it's mainstream and paediatrician approved. Needless to say that she is über competitive, she thinks her children are the best, and can't stand Hippie Moms, Cool Moms or anyone who dares to say that there are other exciting things in the world besides babies.
Mimic Mom - This Mom is so insecure that she's always seeking for advice and approval. If someone mentions a safer car seat, she buys it; if someone tells her the best preschool is across the town, she transfers her kids right away; if Joe had an awesome birthday party, she begs for the caterer contacts. In other words: she never goes with her instinct and does whatever a Lame Mom (or her own Mom) says. She's always comparing her children to other children to make sure they are normal and brought up correctly, and she frequently cries at night while wondering if she's a good Mom. The answer is usually right in front of her, if only she knew that all kids need is love (and a smile).
Moony Mom - This is a Mom who has her heart on the ground but her head in the clouds. She's the type who had a drink at a party because she forgot she was pregnant or packed the hospital bag when her water broke. She's also the kind of Mom who realizes she ran out of diapers at 2 am, burns supper, and forgets her children birthday. Despite all that, she is caring and playful and is always there for her kids. Unless she forgets to pick them up at school... That's why her children know that if they need something important, such as a homemade dress for the school play, they ought to ask their grandmother. This makes Moony Mom frustrated because she is usually a very artsy person.
Momzilla - For all of you who aren't fond of Comics, this is the combination of the words Mom and Godzilla, the scary Japanese monster. It's the kind of Mom who's always stressing out, yelling with her kids and imposing strict rules. Like the monster she doesn't like human beings in general and children in particular, especially when they start answering back and having their own will. Usually a Momzilla is someone who got pregnant by accident or social pressure, and she can't wait for the day her kids leave to college so that she can have her life back. Sometimes she is able to be sweet and tender, but always in private. She's a strong supporter of boarding schools and summer camps.
(Every mother has her Momzilla moment, sooner or later.)
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