Men suck at choosing gifts
There's a universal truth that women should learn as soon as they can: men suck at choosing the right gift for a special occasion. Of course, there are exceptions, but as always, those exceptions only prove the point.
They don't mean to disappoint us, and it's also not a matter of budget. It’s just because they are terrified of everything related to women's territories, and they deeply believe that if we say we need a new coffee machine, we'll be happy to get one for Christmas. Poor devils... Do you have any idea what it means for a woman to receive a home appliance as a gift? Years and years of fighting for equal rights going down the drain by one single daily-use object.
I know my husband will not be happy after reading this, but I have to share two episodes that clearly show how the best of the intentions can end up ruining a special moment.
The first one happened when we were still dating. I've been whining about how out of shape I was, and how little time I had to exercise for a while, so my beloved boyfriend showed up with four Christmas gifts for me. I was so thrilled. Four gifts, all for me? How thoughtful... But then I opened the first one: an exercise game for PlayStation. Ok. It might be fun. Second gift: a Yoga mattress. Humpf.... Third gift: weights. By that time, I couldn't disguise my disappointment, but there was hope. The fourth gift had a book shape. You can't go wrong with a book, can you? No, unless it's a book with tips for slimming! I won't get into details about how it went from there, but it was something between a nervous meltdown and hysteria.
The second episode happened on my 30th birthday. A date to remember, especially for someone like me, who takes birthdays very seriously. In that particular year, I was in love with a Marc Jacobs handbag, and I wasn't hiding it. My husband was committed to making my day super special, and he was doing quite well. First he gave me a bicycle, the one I still ride every day. I was happier than a child. Then, during a dinner party with all my friends and family, he gave me a beautiful Birthday cake, with a shoe on the top, and a lovely dress. I couldn't be happier and looking back, I wish the day ended there, at that magical moment. But it didn't. There was yet another gift, which came in a big card box. The first thought that crossed my mind was that inside that huge box was my desired Marc Jacobs handbag. However, as I took the Styrofoam out of the way, I found a foot massager. Are you serious? Who gives his thirty-year-old wife a foot massager, which cost the same as two Marc Jacobs handbags??? But baby, you love foot massages, he said. Really? A foot massager? Forget it. I'll store it somewhere far away and keep on dreaming with my unachievable handbag...
So, there it is. No matter how good the intentions, choosing the right gift for a woman can end up in an epic disaster. That's why all men reading this article should remember these five little precious tips:
1) Never, ever, give her a home appliance, not even a hair curler. Ever!
2) Never, ever, give her sports equipment, unless you want her to think that you think she's fat. And that's not good for you.
3) Stay alert to every hint she gives. Every woman gives precious and subtle hints about what they want for a special occasion.
4) If you still can't figure out what she wants, ask for help. Ask your daughters, in-laws or her best friend. These women know better than the helpful shop assistant, whose only interest is selling you something.
5) Lastly, don't try to be creative. Most women love surprises but controlled ones. Like, oh darling what a surprise! I was wondering if you would give me my favorite perfume or that book I was telling about for months. Unless it's a trip to New York. In that case, you can surprise her. (I must say that after those two episodes, my husband redeemed himself by taking me on a wonderful trip to NY)
As for the ladies:
1) Go straight to the point. Unless is sex, men rarely get the hints.
2) Tell your kids, sisters, best-friend want you really want. It's likely your husbands will ask them for help, especially if they read this article.
3) Write Santa a letter. But make sure you are very precise about the model, size, color and store location. A bag is not just a bag. There's the texture, and the shape and a whole world men will never understand.
Happy holidays and happy shopping!